Sunday, 18 February 2018

C Columns

Talking to teen - Oh no, not the uncomfortable 's-word'!


By Janet Lund

Talk About Fake News

Sex. It’s the one topic parents don’t want to talk about with their teen. Yet everywhere kids go they are being bombarded by the topic. On TV, radio, movies, social media, etc. It’s talked about 24/7. The ongoing message...“Everyone is doing it!”

On the other hand, parents do talk about it to each other...especially moms. On social media and website blogs moms are discussing it. It’s very eye-opening to see what they say. One woman wrote, “Kids are going to have sex. That is just the way it is.” Women blog about teenage sex as if it is just a fact, like gravity.

The Real Deal

Premarital sex among all teens is not a fact. Boys and girls are not victims of their hormones.

However, their need for love is a fact. God created all of us to be in relationship with each other and with Him. We need each other. We need Him. We need love.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of teens out there not getting the love they deserve at home. This leaves them feeling two things:

1. Unworthy of love

2. Desperate for love

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

So, they search for love in people outside of their home.

Feeling unworthy of love leads kids to accept whatever form of love they can find. They would rather have something that at least seems like love than to not have it at all. That is often why kids engage in sexual activity. They are mistaking someone else’s lust for love.

Sadly, this is a costly mistake. I observed firsthand the damage it causes. When I was doing youth ministry, two members of my youth group, despite our “sex talk,” chose to have sex with classmates during their first year in college. They both confided in me how devastated they were once their partners broke up with them. One girl immediately chopped all her hair off and became extremely depressed. The other needed counseling and anti-depressants to get through the experience. It was painful to watch these two, bright, talented young ladies in so much pain after making that one decision.

Home Needs to be Where the Heart Is

So, how do you keep your kids from looking for love in all the wrong places? By making sure your teen is getting all the love they deserve in the right place, at home. Hereis how you can do this:

1. Communicate daily your love for them.

2. Make time daily to be a respectful listener, no matter how immature they may sound.

3. Strive daily to understand by reflecting back what you are hearing them say, and then ask questions.

These three things will show your teen your real love. It will also make it much easier for you to engage your teen in a conversation about sex.

How to Talk about the S-Word

When you do have that conversation:

1. Make it clear that despite what is broadcast on TV, movies, music, novels, online, or even gossiped about at school, “No, not everyone is doing it.”

2. Communicate the significance of two people becoming one. Sex not only involves giving your body but also your heart and soul to the other person. In the Bible, the Hebrew word for “glue” is used to describe the sexual union of two people. When people break up they are ripping themselves apart to become two people again. It leaves huge emotional scars. That is why it is important to understand sex is something sacred.

3. Marriage was created to be a safe place where we can be vulnerable with another person without fear or shame. It is where we can be naked both physically and emotionally.

4. God created sex to be shared between a married couple so they can have a whole lot of fun and make babies, too. Hence, people get pregnant when they have sex! It is kind oflike married couple recess!

5. Sex is a beautiful thing at the right time with your Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Extra Perks

PLUS! There are also many positives for waiting until marriage:

1. Freedom from sexually transmitted diseases.

2. Avoiding teenage pregnancies.

3. Freedom from painful experiences and flashbacks.

4. Freedom from comparing past lovers with your spouse.

5. Pure, innocent fun!

Teach your kids that they aren’t victims of their hormones. Everyone has the power to say no to sex. It is not like gravity, and it isn’t something that everyone is doing before marriage.

Help your teens maneuver their way through one of the biggest decisions to adulthood by talking to them about sex.

Sex is worth the wait, but your kid doesn’t know that unless you tell them.

Love. Inform. Celebrate. You’ve got this!

Janet Lund is a relationship coach who specializes in nurturing the bond between moms and their teen/pre-teen daughters. She leads moms through coaching, speaking, and songwriting. Janet has spoken and performed in Canada, the United States, and Norway. Follow her on and visit her website for parenting tools and words of support to be a calm mom.


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